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Updates:

Testing... 02/11/06

An update with stuff. Yes, stuff!

A new lead figure painted. I quite like this one, a different style....something....sinister.

On the subject of lead figures, the Ebay charity auctions finished, with my figure netting £38 (most were around that price with a few exceptions). I'm a bit disappointed to be honest. I don't know much about Ebay auctions but given the quality of the painting and the newness of the figures, I think they all should have gone for more even without factoring in the charity aspect. With the charity aspect they should have gone for twice as much, I'd have expected a lot more interest in buying something for a good cause... On the other hand, between all the people who painted a figure, we raised £400+, so that's pretty cool overall.

A picture from halloween. My girlfriend organised a night-time torch-lit bouldering session and pumpkin carving competetion, which turned out rather cool.

And now a rant...

Music!
I love music. Music is fundamental to my life. Some people don't get this, for some people it isn't important, they can take it or leave it. But for me, I have to have a constant soundtrack - in the car, on the way to the crag, discman on the bus, chilling out, painting figures, whatever. If I can't actually listen to any, fragments of rhythms pop up and bounce around in my head. It's not that I'm averse to silence, but it does get aurally boring after a while...

I have my own specific tastes - reasonably diverse (NO false claims of "I like anything, me" here!), but still quite specific. I like what I like, and that is, roughly in order: Drum and bass, techno, hip-hop, dark ambient, metal, gabber/hard techno, breaks, other ambient/noise. I guess overall stuff with strong rhythms and a lot of energy! And I am really, really into that sort of music, DnB in particular. The only problem is that I don't know many other people who are. The scene I'm into - mostly climbing - seems to have pretty middle-of-the-road music tastes, I rarely meet people with more than a tangential skimming of shared tastes. Now, there are DnB scenes of course, but the people there are....quite different. Quite urban, into their DJing and drugs and drink and modifying cars and stuff. A lifestyle alien to me. So I'm left mostly on my own listening and loving the music, feeling the rhythms course through my body, but not having anyone to share it with. Hmmmm.

*Puts on some DJ Teebee*

*Turns up the sub*

...

Finally, if one is bored and wants something to read, I can heartily recommend Sam and Fuzzy (starting at the beginning of course). This was recommended to me by uber-outdoor-activity-cartoonist Duncan Bourne who described it, entirely accurately, as "sort of extreme Calvin and Hobbes in reverse with involved plot". Kept me entertained!

[Vibes - variable to psychotic]
[Music - Primus, Pantera, God Machine, Carcass....:)]
[Media - Prey]
[Reading - Paul Auster - Oracle Nights]
[Climbing - Not enough, it's fucking gorgeous outside >:(]

Fiend | fiendophobia [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk

Testing... 23/10/06

My Goblin Shaman lead figure painted for charity is now available on Ebay - 3 days bidding left at time of posting. Want a piece of me and to support some good causes?? Go get it!!

Edit: If that link doesn't work because EBay is being arsey, click here instead.

And in other news....there isn't any :P

[Vibes - Variable but tolerable.]
[Music - Just ordered £115 worth of old thrash / death metal / experimental CDs off Amazon...]
[Media - Prey - neat game!]
[Reading - Alistair Reynolds - Century Rain - great book!]
[Climbing - Gritstone again - good fun!]

Fiend | fiendophobia [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk

Testing... 25/08/06

Well bugger me it's an update.

Two new video clips of me bouldering. I've got rid of some of the older ones too.

One new lead figure painted. This is actually of some note: I was asked (along with several other painters) by someone off the Warhammer.org.uk forum to paint a pre-release figure to be auctioned for charity. Basically they will all be sold on Ebay I presume, and the proceeds donated to a good cause. I'm not usually a charitable person, but actually doing something I like and am reasonally good at for charity, it was a good idea. And I'd been inspired to paint recently, so good timing. Keep an eye out on Ebay and bid if you like

And that is that, but at least this time, that is something! As always feedback of any sort is welcome.

[Vibes - yes quite okay]
[Music - all sorts of the usual dance/electronic bollox]
[Media - Dark Messiah of Might and Magic demo - get this, it's bloody class]
[Reading - Iain M Banks - The Algebraist]
[Climbing - odds and sods and some good non-grit boudering - yay for having to pull hard]

Fiend | fiendophobia [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk

Testing... 04/07/06

Two months...

No news is good news, well that's the theory anyway. In this case no news is pretty reasonable if uneventful news. Life rolls inexorably onwards, albeit in a fairly pleasing way. Climbs are climbed, challenges are tackled, fun is had and experiences savoured. New friends are gained and old ones disappear. Productive and useful stuff is put off and procrastinated over but still lurks as a vague plan of action. Curry is consumed and drum'n'bass is listened to. So it is.

Errrr that really is it. Nothing to post up here. I'm going to Ceuse next week. That's cool. Should start taking some more photos. I'll be getting a new camera for my birthday. That's cool too. Oh and recently I've managed to swim a length of the local pool (33m) underwater a few times, and managed to touch my toes with my palms flat to the ground. Small things, small mind eh! How desperately, sickeningly bloggy...

Over and out.

[Vibes - generally okay]
[Music - the usual drum'n'bass and techno, loving it]
[Media - eh what?]
[Reading - haven't done for ages]
[Climbing - plenty of stuff....and in Ceuse soon!]

Fiend | fiendophobia [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk

Testing... 04/05/06

I've finally done it...

As anyone who has read this site will know, for many years and through many ups and downs, I've tried to push myself and my climbing, so I can climb with confidence, and tackle some routes that have been truly inspiring. It's been a long, long challenge...

This last weekend I've finally done it. After a summer off last year, a tricky reintroduction to climbing, a good winter training, and a promising spring, I went to North Wales, got on and climbed some of those truly inspiring routes: I've climbed the best I ever have, climbed routes that I've dreamt about for years, and had amazing experiences in places I could hardly believe where I was. This state of mind, and state of experience, is what I've been striving for, and I've done it.

Pictures of one of the routes, maybe the most inspiring, here, here, and here.

So where to now?

The same as usual, just keep going. This is a cause for personal celebration but just one step along an overall journey through this activity. What is important is the fun, the experience, the exploration, and the challenge, and I will keep on following those.

And more...

This has been the one major up in a rather turbulent time of ups and downs. I am still have a constant unease deep down, and the surface distractions, however substantial they may be, do not always mask that. Single life does not agree with me, I miss all that was shared with my ex-partner, friendships can feel sparse and the future very daunting, and the empty slices of life in between bursts of activity can feel very empty.

One important thing for me to bear in mind is that this fluctuation, well, fluctuates. Just because I am on a high with something now does not mean that the unease has gone away and that I can pretend everything is fine. And just because I may at some point be in a very bleak and hopeless-seeming state does not mean that there won't be good times that can crop up when I least expect it. The only thing to rely on is that life is not reliable.

But aside from the climbing, there have been other ups: The weekend in Wales was a good social one too, meeting lots of people, and even hanging around in the pub (yes, me, with my reputation =)). The previous weekend was good too, coming after a bleak week- again, more socialising, but also I went down to the Cold Meat Industry Festival dark ambient / martial / industrial gig in London, which I'd been scared to go to in my bleak state, but was actually great and very entertaining.

Which brings me neatly on to...

Updated dark ambient reviews, including the CMI gig and an excellent new CD, The Protagonist - Songs Of Experience.

That's all for now.

[Vibes - rollercoaster]
[Music - Hertz - Perspective / Hive Mind - Sand Beasts / The Protagonist - Songs Of Experience]
[Media - none]
[Reading - Arno Ilgner - Rock Warrior's Way (again!)]
[Climbing - fucking YES!]

Fiend | fiendophobia [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk

Testing... 28/03/06

Stuff:

• Updated dark ambient reviews. Includes a variety of new CDs: Bad Sector - Kosmodrom, Hive Mind - Sand Beasts (probably my favourite of this batch), Kammarheit - The Starwheel, Koda - Movements, Merzbow - Merzbird, Merzbow - Merzbuddha, and Raison D'Etre - The Empty Hollow Unfolds. Phew!

• Updated painting guide.

• A new picture here and another here.

[Vibes - disquieted, lonely, but sometimes stable...just plodding on for now]
[Music - http://www.somafm.com/ - as cool as online radio stations get ;)]
[Media - none]
[Reading - Adam Roberts - The Snow]
[Climbing - training indoors, bletch!]

Fiend | fiendophobia [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk

Testing... 10/03/06

Changes.

I'll try to keep this simple, if only because I'm too tired / lazy to write more.

Recently, my partner left me - for a long time there has been some issues between us (despite a lot of things being right and great fun between us). Specifically, me not being open to change, progress, and different possibilities in life - including the possibility of having children. These issues came to a head and the inevitable conclusion of my partner leaving after over 4 years together.

This was obviously hard and painful at the time but those feelings really woke me up to where I had been going in life (i.e. nowhere, not even looking at it), how I'd been hiding away, what possibilities there could be out there, and the importance of being able to follow those possibilities (even if one actually doesn't, just being open to them....which I wasn't). A revelation really. There's so much I thought, realised, and talked about.

So where has that left me? Well in terms of action, not a lot different to before, except I'm focusing more on the website design courses I'm currently doing. In terms of emotions, not a lot different as the strong feelings have faded. In terms of potential emotions, better I think. In terms of thoughts and awareness....yes I feel different, I'm more aware of my patterns, pitfalls, I think of long term possibilities more now, I'm aware of the importance of living in a more open way, and try to act on that even if I don't feel it as strongly as I initially did.

A bit about this site: Although my interests and hobbies have often been something I've focused on to avoid looking at the scariness of life, they are things I genuinely enjoy so I will keep doing them. And I'll keep posting stuff here when I feel like it. I might have some more photos and stuff soon. However, this does mean that a couple of side-projects - updating my dark ambient reviews and updating a work-in-progress painting guide - I don't know if/when I'll do those. But I might.

Okay, so that's that cleared up. If you read all that, have a bit of light relief: some pictures from a recent trip to Barcelona (includes the notorious Kun Pao duck tongues dish).

Want to know any more or say anything - email me. Or call if you have my number.

[Vibes - hard to describe]
[Music - 1xtra drum'n'bass shows]
[Media - none]
[Reading - nothing]
[Climbing - ....and enjoying it too!]

Fiend | fiendophobia [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk

Testing... 28/01/01

A month...

...not a good start really.

Okay the year started minorly averagely, then I got a bout of flu (wasp flu, I reckon), which wiped me out for a few days, and left me with a persistent cough and mucus and general lack of wellbeing. I'm getting it over it but it's got me fed up and derailed me from my plans of increased activity. And, more frustratingly, it stopped me climbing for a couple of weeks, so I'm well off track with that and frustrated - sometimes furious, even - about how little I've done over this winter. I simply HAVE to start climbing more, I cannot waste this time, and I cannot keep getting pushed away from my true inspirations.

New figures:

Go look if you're interested. One serious, one fun, both have a distinct purpose / concept. I managed to do these, at least.

Guild Wars...

...that massively multiplayer online role-playing game I've been playing since last summer. It's a cool game and I've played rather a lot of it....and I've just discovered it has a built-in play-time counter. Which, I wish I hadn't discovered...

You have played this character for 382 hours and 48 minutes over the last 7 months.

Bloody HELL! My own estimate of 150 hours was obviously woefully optimistic. Okay, so a lot of that time was me cooped up with a broken foot, and averaged out weekly it's not so ludicrous, but even so, that's a vast amount of time. If I'd spent half of that intensely training for climbing and half of that painting....*sigh*. Still if I spent half the time I waste procrastinating and sabotaging myself, playing Guild Wars instead, I'd have finished it and have plenty of time for extra training and painting....*sigh2*.

[Vibes - a bit frustrated]
[Music - some old DnB as usual]
[Media - whut?]
[Reading - Trudi Canavan - The Black Magician (still good)]
[Climbing - not enough]

Fiend | fiendophobia [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk

Testing... 01/01/06

Another new year. Last year was...."varied" I think best sums it up.

Resolutions:

Pretty much the same sort of resolutions I always have - ones that are most true to myself, yet ones I struggle the most to be true to...

• To climb as much as possible in the areas and on the routes that truly inspire me.
• To use all I have learnt in recent years to progress with my climbing, both in my mindstate and in my standard.
• To organise myself better and use my non-climbing time productively.
• To continue with my other interests, specifically lead figures, and balance that out with climbing.
• To make better use of my time and to ensure I can be satisfied with what I am doing.